What does it take for someone to want to work on their own part in a relationship system? It is an important question and as a therapist, one that is often on my mind. What motivates someone to want to change themselves, versus trying to change others (which, I might add, is virtually always a losing proposition)? What is the process for that shift to happen? How do people go from outward focus to an inward one? Finally, how do people learn to change what is in their control versus attempting to control others?

In all the years I have been practicing therapy, I have always had tremendous curiosity about the moment someone starts becoming a better observer of themselves and takes charge of their own life. What is that “tipping point”? Is there a definitive moment when one is pushed into a corner just enough where the only way out is to change oneself? I am still fascinated every time I observe this transformation in someone.

When it comes to children, there is often significant energy from parents invested into teaching, helping and nurturing children- all with the hope or goal that one day they will be independent. It is natural (and automatic) for parents to want to caretake and protect their children. Evolution shows us that most species have a biological need to procreate and nurture offspring... for a certain time at least.

On the one hand, we have a biological need to help or be a resource to our child, and on the other we equally have a “need” for our children to grow up and leave the nest when they reach young adulthood. I think it’s important to mention that when parents try to help their children, it often translates into wanting the child to change their behavior or action. There is good intention coming from the parent, but the helpfulness is driven by the parents anxiety and agenda.

When I think of these two polarizing biological notions, three initial questions come up for me:

1)        When am I helping too much?

In other words, how much energy am I putting into changing or fixing my child, and am I achieving the desired result?

2)        When is a little help not enough?

Put differently, when and under what conditions is it important to be a resource to my child?

3)        What is different when I learn to focus my energy on managing myself instead of trying to change or fix my child?

What change(s) start taking place when I stop “helping” my child as much, and simply “let them” help themselves? Do I have the belief (or not) that they are competent enough to do so?

I believe these are useful questions to think about, explore in action, and begin the process of observing oneself more. I am a strong believer that when parents can take responsibility for themselves, improve and work on self, their children will do better! I have seen it happen countless times with clients, as well as in myself, my husband, and my children. When a parent acts responsibly and puts the effort into wanting to be or do better in their own life, their children are the direct beneficiary of that – the child’s functioning will benefit and improve.

This belief is what drew me to The Parent Hope Project and what lead me to ultimately becoming an accredited parent coach!

Developed by Dr. Jenny Brown in Australia, The Parent Hope Project is a manualized program for parents who have children who are showing symptomatic behavior. Symptoms can include but are not limited to defiant behavior at home or school, depression or lack of motivation, anxiety, loneliness or difficulty following rules.

Informed by Bowen Family Systems Theory, this program is developed specifically for parents who are committed as a parent to be the best resource possible to their vulnerable child/children.

The coaching program aims for parents to:

• Optimize the way you support your child’s wellbeing.

• Shift focus to yourself rather than trying to change the young person.

• Promote more autonomy and responsibility in your child through how you manage yourself.

• Help you get back on track as a loving and firm leader.

• Establish a longer-term project of parent leadership. This is not a quick fix, but with changes to old patterns of interaction, the child is helped to gradually improve the way they manage their own life challenges.

A central idea of the Parent Hope Project is that when parents shift from trying to change their child and instead invest in what is in their control as parents, new and hopeful opportunities emerge. This program is about parents shifting their focus from changing or trying to fix their child, to parents making changes to themselves and adjusting how they interact with their child.

This program is NOT about blaming parents as symptom(s) development in children can have biological roots and include a child’s larger family and social environment. However, parents can be vital to reducing symptoms in their child/ren by how they interact and manage themselves with and around their child/ren. If they are able start down this path, parents often gain confidence and hope, while shedding guilt and despair in the process.

The Parent Hope Project is a specific and manualized program for parents who have a child struggling with mental health and/or have social/behavioral issues. The program consists of 1 introductory session, followed by a 6-session individualized coaching program. A review session at the end is optional.

There should be no shame in acknowledging one’s own part in a relationship system. In fact, it should be considered a strength and a sign of maturity. It is the best role modeling we can do for our own children! We have to rise above the labels and diagnoses we too easily assign to our children, and the intense spotlight we subject our children to because of it.

Instead, we can lower the intense parent-child dynamic by shifting our energy onto ourselves and working on our own anxiety and issues. We all have anxiety (or we wouldn’t be alive) and we all have our own flaws to improve upon.

If you are interested in learning more about the Parent Hope Project and what I offer in my private practice, contact me today via my website www.droliviatherapy.com or send me an email at olivia@droliviatherapy.com